She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
