he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
