Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
