can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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