Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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