It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
