I just threw up on my dentist
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize