Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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