im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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