If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
