I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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