she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
