I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
