Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
