i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
now i know why i became what i already was.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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