Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
