I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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