goodnight i made you a song goodbye
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
