Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize