I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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