fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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