see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
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