I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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