maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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