It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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