I accidentally burped into my bong.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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