Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
