apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
