The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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