Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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