I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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