apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
