Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
