Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
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