I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
