When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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