some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
