Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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