So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
