thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
