seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
false alarm. still invincible.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Randomize
