wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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