Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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