Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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