I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize