we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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