If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
