Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
