Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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