Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
