but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I need to sanitize my soul.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
