i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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