Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
