just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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