this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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