So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
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