if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize