Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
